“Neither do I condemn you,” said Jesus. “Go, and from now on do not sin anymore.” (v. 10-11, CSB)
In her manual on utilizing dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to treat borderline personality disorder, “Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder”, Marsha Linehan notes the role of an “invalidating environment” on the lack of emotional regulation. An invalidating environment can be conceptualized as an environment in which a child’s internal experiences are invalidated by the reactions of others (usually their parents). This can happen when a parent is holding on to insecurities about how their child measures up to others. In other occasions, it may be caused by the parent projecting their own shadow onto the child, thus condemning the child in the same way that they have condemned themselves. Regardless of why it occurs, the impact of invalidation can be severe. In a seemingly innocuous example, something seemingly as subtle as responding to a child’s request for another snack with “you’re not hungry, you just had a snack” can cause the child to distrust their own interoception. This can lead to emotional dysregulation, and/or a dependence on one’s environment for determining their internal experiences, or a reliance on their environment for validation.
To find an example of a good leader or parent, I look to my faith. Like a good caretaker, Jesus does not invalidate those who come to him for any reason. In John chapter 8, the pharisees bring a woman who was caught in adultery to Jesus in an rouse to test whether he was a good teacher or not. Jesus’ response goes beyond what anyone expected as he respects the validity of the law, but also points out the sin in the hearts of the pharisees. In one of my favorite verses, Jesus says to the woman, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, Lord,” she answered.
“Neither do I condemn you,” said Jesus. “Go, and from now on do not sin anymore.” (v. 10-11, CSB)
How is it that Jesus can say that he does not condemn this adulterous woman, but at the same time demand that she sins no more? Because to bring about change, whether in my role as a counselor or parent or otherwise, I must first accept the other where they are. As Carl Jung states, “We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate; it oppresses.”
When a child is screaming because they want to keep watching tv at bedtime, it is imperative that us adults teach them that the emotion they are experiencing is ok and to help them learn alternative ways to express those emotions. Because those emotions will be expressed in one form or another, like it or not. This is why it is vital to be attuned to the child and understand that they are human. To model God’s grace in this moment is to accept that God created him or her with the essential emotion of sorrow (which Jesus himself experienced very deeply), and to encourage him or her to express said emotion in a healthy way. This takes time and patience of course, and it cannot be done, if I as a parent ignore my own demons, and do not accept the grace of God in my own life. Eventually my own self-condemnation will spill out onto my children. But if we can model for our children a vulnerability that says, “I don’t have it all figured out, but, by the grace of God, I’m trying”, and we can say to our kids that their internal emotions are a part of the imago dei within them, then they will trust themselves, trust us, and view God as trustworthy. Otherwise, they will live in a land of confusion where they will be unable to comprehend their own emotions.
References
Jung, C. G. (1933). Modern Man in Search of a Soul. Harcourt, Brace.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
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